So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I want her autograph on my taint
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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