you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
