i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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