He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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