this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
