the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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