Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Oh god it's open bar.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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