Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I want a musical about memes.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
