Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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