she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Randomize
