Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Randomize