My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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