I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
