I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
