I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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