Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Found your dick twin last night
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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