Will you blow on my dice?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
