Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
