haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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