I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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