Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
