Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
