if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
