Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
