My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
