My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Sext me about skeletons
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
