i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Lo siento on account of my penis...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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