didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
