Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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