i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
