I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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