I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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