Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
