Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
