I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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