i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize