I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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