im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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