Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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