drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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