official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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