i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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