On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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