And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
