did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
