One girl and one boy is just not enough.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
