apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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