I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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