pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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