He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
