I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
