I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
