I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Dicks are not precious.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
