I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
