How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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