yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
