fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I need to calm my uterus...
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
