He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
