I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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