Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
