if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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