First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
