You smell like a Billy Joel song
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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