I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
